Back to School!

The kids start back to school on Wednesday, August 31st… Bookworming and Dictionaries won’t be far behind!

If we can have a little fun before buckling down, the following are floating around the Internet under the subject “Why Teachers Drink…” and are alleged to be answers to exam questions by 16 year olds.

Q. Name the four seasons.

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. What are steroids?

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?

A. Keep it in the cow

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section.’

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Mom Facts…

The following is allegedly based on second graders responses to some questions…

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We’re related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

Let it snow, let it snow…

I suppose if one were to analyze that song the conclusion would be… oh, like we have a choice? Unfortunately, “Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop,” just doesn’t work for the song’s purpose.  If I might purport to offer some snow day entertainment, years ago there was an “annotated” version of the nursery rhyme “Little Bo Peep…” I won’t try to remember the entire thing:

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep (How sad–and perhaps a bit irresponsible on her part.)

And doesn’t know where to find them. (How redundant! of course if she lost her sheep she doesn’t know where to find them! If she knew where to find them they wouldn’t be lost!)

Leave them alone. (You’ve got to be kidding… if she’s lost her sheep and doesn’t know where to find them… how can she do anything BUT leave them alone!)

And they’ll come home. (The basis for this optimistic prediction is… what?)

Wagging their tails behind them. (Well, it would be awfully hard for them to wag their tales in front of them.)

No, I do not believe I have a future writing nursery rhymes.

But I can announce that the Valley Grange Business Meeting scheduled for tonight has been postponed until next Friday (8th) at 7 PM. Come then… wagging your tails behind you! For this week, you have “no particular place to go… so let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”

Christmas Visit

Admittedly this has been around before… many times! But it seems worth repeating. Supposedly a teacher asked her students to write about what they did during Christmas vacation…

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.  They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .  Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.  They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don’t know who they are anymore.  They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.  There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.  At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape.  Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.  Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.  And, they eat the same thing every night – early birds.   Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house.  The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.  My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.   When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.  Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Another Simple Thinking Test…

Since visitors to the site seem to like “thinking tests”…

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

(more…)

A Quick Little Thinking Test!

How Do You Put a Giraffe in a Refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)

Second Question:
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)

Third Question:
The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. (This tests your memory.)

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Fourth Question:
There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. (This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.)

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old. They really aren’t that smart.

One More Christmas Story…

Like much of what travels around the Internet, the author of this is unknown… When Barbara “fluffed” her lines as Gatekeeper during our recent meeting I was reminded of this story and the point that life is not about perfection–it’s about laughter and fun.

My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years, but hadn’t been blessed with a baby.

 I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart, and raise it with His Word as my guide.

 God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son.

 The next year, God  blessed us with another son.

 The following year, He blessed us with yet another son.

 The year after that, we were blessed with a daughter.

 My husband thought we’d been blessed right into poverty.  We now had four children, and the oldest was only 4 years old.

 I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it.  As a minister once told me, “If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella.”

 I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs.  I was off to a good start.  God had entrusted me with four children and I didn’t want to disappoint Him.  I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.  I tried to be understanding when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, (more…)

Have A Smile…

One thing we enjoy from working with the kids is our own version of “Kids say the darndest things.” While these two examples aren’t from “first hand” experience, they could be!

The Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”

A Higher Power

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”

One child blurted out, “Aces!”